I just want to cry sometimes

[theredshadow]

Originally I had planned on making a topic for venting and letting off steam and perhaps sharing with you guys some of my turmoil from the last two years. But right now I just want to lay down and cry forever. The "love" subjects of my writing and Facebook posts from the recent past may have just exploded or imploded or fizzled away. I don't know just yet but I'm really upset and down and sick to my stomach.

[Wild Weasel]

Speaking for myself, it would help me help you if I knew what was going on. Thus far everything I've seen is vague, and I'm not exactly sure what you're referencing. Could you elaborate a little, or at least drop me a PM?

[theredshadow]

I'll send you a message sometime. It's just so hard to put the whole thing into words.

[Nexik]

Think yous have me a little beat on relationship experience (haha?) but I can read/listen pretty well if you do ever want to just rant or let off steam:)

Or can try any help with any needed comic relief if desired anytime :}

I hope you feel better today though, than maybe yesterday. I understand though -- going home drains half the life out of me, all the stupid crap and people who can't accept there are people with real problems without having to make some up just for something to go on about... :/

[theredshadow]

Wow, more twists and turns in this one. As soon as I can catch up with how things keep changing in my own little world I'll try to share what has been going on.

[theredshadow]

Okay, I think the only way I am going to be able to do this is if I start talking about the whole mess in little chunks. It has become something that I really need to talk about but it's so overwhelming that I won't sit down and start because I think I need to detail the whole tale all at once and that just isn't feasible. So, here is the first little chunk just so I will stop putting it off.

I'm going to start at the beginning with a little history/backstory of my life. Basically, things that I believe may be important to the overall story.

I'm 37 years old. I was born in 1974 in Florida while my parents were on the road (my Dad was a musician). A few years later my brother was born in Florida while my parents were, again, on the road. Less than a year later my parents divorced. I was predominantly raised by my Dad as I spent the school years with him and only the summers with my Mom and brother. My Dad and I continued to move around for most of my childhood, never staying in one place for longer than a school year or two, and sometimes I would end up in more than one school in a single year. I've always been very shy but relocating, moving away from friends, starting anew all the time, these were things that just made it all the worse. Also, my Dad never really had another serious relationship over those years. I only remember one lady in particular, and she passed away from cancer while they were together. Point is, I never had a strong female personality in my world until I got married.

When I say I'm shy, I don't just mean that I'm quiet or reserved, I mean I have immense social anxiety in most situations. In college, I took a personality test for some random class and it said I was a full-on introvert. Odd, I know, considering that I've worked in retail for 15 years of my adult life. I can only chalk that up to the fact that it is almost the only work I've ever known. Plus, I can handle people in small doses, especially when I may never deal with them again. And as far as friends go, I am really nervous around coworkers at first but usually warm up to them over time because, a) I have to since I will be working with them often, and, b) if they accept me for my bizarre humor and weird antics then I can be myself and it becomes easier for that reason alone. Doesn't mean that I don't get nervous when I say or do something that most might consider odd or bizarre around my friends. And I am definitely a "class clown" type, always wanting to make people laugh and always willing to push the ante when I'm around those I'm comfortable with.

This is all well and good when it comes to friends, family and coworkers, but when it comes to prospective romantic interests, all of that goes out the window. I can encounter someone that I find myself attracted to, and perhaps even talk to them a little bit, but I can never cross the threshold of pursuing said romantic interest. I am simply too scared, too nervous and too lacking in confidence to tell a woman that I'm into her, that I'd like to go out with her, etc. I cannot do it! And I've never done it, at least not in the traditional way. I have never asked a woman out directly and face to face. Not even my ex-wife! The idea that I was interested had to go through her aunt from me. And I only asked the first woman I was into after the divorce via Facebook message (she was a good friend and ex-coworker and I almost blew our friendship over the whole issue, including the fact that she blamed herself for my divorce, which I'll get into later).

Okay, I think I'll end this there and come back to it whenever I feel inclined to. If anyone has any questions or comments at this point, please feel free to post. Another installment shall come soon.

[theredshadow]

Not very soon, though, eh? Well, I don't even know that this should continue. There was a person of interest that was inspiring most of this particular topic but she is no longer a factor in my life. I have to figure out how to just forget her and move on. Let go of this anger I have and deal with other problems in my life right now. Easier said than done but it has to happen. I just wish I could be free.